Why It is Important That Parents Not Support Compulsions in Anxious Children

Raising a child with anxiety, especially when they exhibit compulsive behaviors, can be challenging for parents. While it may seem compassionate to accommodate these compulsions to ease distress, doing so can reinforce anxiety and hinder the child’s ability to manage their emotions effectively. Instead, parents can help their children confront and challenge these compulsions, fostering resilience and healthier coping mechanisms.

Understanding Anxiety and Compulsions

Anxiety is a normal response to stress, but when it becomes overwhelming, it may lead to compulsive behaviors. These are repetitive actions that a child feels compelled to perform in order to alleviate their anxiety, such as checking locks repeatedly or following strict routines. While these behaviors can provide temporary relief, they create a cycle that can be difficult to break, and result in more anxiety over time.

Compulsions often arise from irrational fears and obsessive thoughts, distorting a child's perception of reality. For instance, a child might feel that if they don’t perform a specific ritual, something bad will happen. This belief can increase their reliance on compulsive behaviors and deepen their anxiety.

The Impact of Parents Accommodating Children’s Compulsions

Accommodating a child’s compulsions can have negative consequences. When parents support these behaviors, they may unintentionally reinforce the idea that these actions are necessary for safety and comfort, making it harder for the child to learn to cope independently.

This codependent relationship between parents and children around these compulsions can worsen feelings of helplessness in both the child and the parents. Children may feel incapable of managing their anxiety without their compulsions, as well as resentful of any external attempts to stop the compulsions. Parents may feel equally overwhelmed and unsure of how to help. They may be inconsistent in their responses. This tension can make it challenging to strike a balance between providing support and encouraging healthier coping mechanisms.

The Weight of Parental Example

Children learn by observing and listening to their parents. When parents display a pattern of anxious behaviors or rely on avoidance strategies, children may internalize these patterns. They may come to believe that anxiety is best managed through compulsions or avoidance, making it even harder for them to confront their fears. Parents also inadvertently reinforce avoidance behaviors in children by conveying that challenges and distress are impossible to tolerate. 

The Role of Parents in Challenging Compulsions

Building distress tolerance—the ability to tolerate uncomfortable feelings without acting on them—is essential for helping children manage anxiety. Parents are uniquely positioned to influence children, but they must first notice and tolerate their own distress in response to the child’s anxiety/compulsions. Here are some strategies parents can use to help children tolerate distress and reduce reliance on compulsions:

  1. Normalize Anxiety: Help children understand that anxiety is a common experience. When they realize that everyone feels anxious sometimes, they may feel less isolated and more willing to confront their own feelings.

  2. Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness exercises can help children focus on the present and regulate their emotions. Parents can model these techniques, suggest them when the child is desperate for strategies, and use attuned listening to create a supportive environment where children can express feelings and feel loved.

  3. Gradual Exposure: Introduce small challenges (exposures) that allow children to successfully tolerate discomfort in small amounts without resorting to compulsive behaviors. For example, if a child fears speaking in front of others, start by encouraging them to speak to a family member before gradually increasing the audience size.

  4. Reinforce Positive Coping: As children increase their capacity to tolerate distress, celebrate their successes and point out how they had managed their feelings. These examples of success can be linked to positive qualities parents see in children.

  5. Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries regarding compulsive behaviors. While empathy is important, allowing a child to dictate their compulsions can lead to increased anxiety. Encourage them to face their fears without resorting to compulsive actions.

  6. Avoid rescuing: Practice mindfulness about thoughts and feelings in response to children’s anxiety and use deliberate strategies such as reminding themselves that children are capable of meeting increasing amounts of challenge and will only become stronger through practice.

  7. Encourage Gradual Exposure: Help children gradually confront their fears through exposure techniques. For instance, if a child frequently checks locks, encourage them to wait longer before checking, increasing the time as they become more comfortable.

  8. Teach Coping Strategies: Equip children with tools to manage anxiety without relying on compulsions. Techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and positive self-talk can empower them to challenge anxious thoughts.

  9. Model Healthy Behavior: Parents should demonstrate healthy coping strategies. If a parent faces stress, showing how they cope through exercise or meditation can provide children with examples of effective strategies.

  10. Seek Professional Help: In many cases, the guidance of a mental health professional can be invaluable. Therapists can work with families to develop tailored strategies for addressing specific compulsions and anxieties.

Building Resilience Through Challenges

Challenging compulsions is not just about reducing anxiety; it’s about building resilience. When children learn to confront their fears and manage anxiety without relying on compulsive behaviors, they develop a sense of agency and confidence. This process is empowering and helps them understand that they can navigate their emotions and challenges.

Encouraging children to face their fears also fosters problem-solving skills. As they encounter challenges and learn to cope, they gain valuable experiences that apply to various aspects of their lives, leading to a more positive self-image.

The Importance of Parental Support

As you challenge your child’s compulsions, it’s important to provide unwavering support by letting children know they are not alone in facing their fears. This can reduce their feelings of isolation and anxiety. Supporting children without buying into the notion that their feared feelings and distress are to be avoided. Celebrate their small victories and acknowledge the courage it takes to confront fears. Convey the idea that progress is a journey.

Remind yourself that patience is crucial, since breaking the cycle of compulsive behavior can take time, and setbacks are a normal part of the process. By remaining supportive and understanding, parents can help their children navigate these challenges with compassion. Children will learn through your confidence in this approach that it holds value. They will follow your example.

The parent’s role in guiding children around anxiety is critical

Supporting an anxious child can be a delicate balancing act, especially with compulsive behaviors involved. While it may seem compassionate to accommodate these compulsions, it’s essential for parents to guide their children in challenging them. By setting boundaries, encouraging gradual exposure, teaching coping strategies, modeling healthy behavior, and seeking professional help, parents can empower their children to face their fears.

Together, they can navigate the complexities of anxiety, emerging stronger and more connected as a family. Challenging compulsions is about equipping children with the skills they need to thrive in the face of challenges throughout their lives.

If you find yourself struggling to support your anxious child while managing their compulsions, consider seeking parenting therapy. As a qualified child, family, and parenting therapist, I can provide tailored insights and strategies for your family’s unique needs, and help create an environment that promotes growth and resilience. I am able to teach and facilitate skills development and confidence in parents toward the goal of soothing anxiety through conveying compassion and validation. At the same time, I will be guiding you to slowly increase your child’s distress tolerance through gradually facing increasing levels of challenge related to their fears. I am both compassionate and direct when it comes to helping parents identify and avoid supporting avoidance behaviors that only become worse when a parent conveys their own avoidance of the distress the child experiences. 

Don’t hesitate to reach out—support is available, and you don’t have to face this journey alone! Call today: 925-289-8411.

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