What Teens Need When Parents Divorce
Research consistently shows that children of divorced parents are at a heightened risk for various mental health challenges, such as depression, anxiety, and behavioral problems compared to their peers from intact families. For instance, a report published by the American Psychological Association highlights that these children often face a decline in overall well-being, with many struggling academically and socially. Notably, the impact can vary in severity depending on factors like the level of parental conflict, the quality of the parent-child relationship, and the support systems in place. Understanding these potential outcomes underscores the importance of addressing the specific needs of teens during and after divorce to help reduce these risks and promote healthier emotional development.
The good news is that you can make a difference! The decisions you make today, about reaching out for help, will affect the future. Teen therapy when parents divorce is a place where they can learn to recognize, anticipate and manage emotions, thereby develop resilience and skill with managing painful experiences. This sets the stage for successful future management of challenging situations throughout their lifetime. By demonstrating to your child that you value them and their wellbeing, as well as modeling to them the qualities of humility, self-care, and knowledge it takes to seek help, as needed in the future, you teach both that they are worthy of care and how and why to seek it.
Key Needs of Teens During Divorce
Emotional Support: Teens need a safe space to express their feelings. They may be dealing with a complex mix of emotions, including grief for the loss of the family unit. Parents can help by encouraging open communication and validating their feelings.
Stability and Routine: Maintaining a sense of normalcy is vital for teens during divorce. Consistent routines regarding school, extracurricular activities, and family traditions can provide a comforting structure amidst the chaos.
Reassurance of Love: Teens must know that both parents love them unconditionally. Reassuring them that the divorce is not their fault can help alleviate feelings of guilt or responsibility.
Respect for Their Autonomy: As adolescents, teens are developing their own identities. Respecting their need for independence and providing them with choices can empower them during this challenging time. It is important to note that this does not mean reducing structure or granting them everything they ask for.
Reducing Loyalty Pressure
One of the most critical aspects of supporting teens during a divorce is reducing loyalty pressure. This occurs when one parent inadvertently (or intentionally) puts the child in a position where they feel they must choose sides. Research shows that loyalty conflicts can lead to increased emotional distress for teens, affecting their relationships with both parents.
Tips to Reduce Loyalty Pressure
Avoid Negative Talk: Refrain from speaking negatively about the other parent in front of your teen (note that you may also be overheard when you speak to others and texts or emails sometimes get read). Criticism can lead to feelings of guilt and anxiety about loving (and identifying with) both parents.
Don’t Recruit: Avoid asking (both directly and indirectly) your teen to take your side in disagreements. Instead, focus on facilitating healthy communication between them and their other parent.
Encourage Relationships: Support your teen’s relationship with both parents. Encourage them to spend time with the other parent without guilt, pressure, or the expectation that they talk about their time together.
The Importance of Reducing Interparental Hostility
Interparental hostility can significantly impact a teen's emotional well-being. High levels of conflict between parents can lead to increased anxiety and stress for adolescents. Research highlights that children exposed to conflict are more likely to experience behavioral and emotional issues.
Strategies to Reduce Interparental Hostility
Effective Communication: Establish clear, respectful communication channels. Use neutral language and focus on co-parenting goals rather than personal grievances.
Conflict Resolution: Practice conflict resolution techniques, such as taking a timeout to cool off before discussing contentious issues.
Therapeutic Support: Consider engaging in co-parenting therapy or mediation to facilitate better communication and reduce hostility.
How to Talk About the Other Parent to Your Teen
When discussing the other parent with your teen, it's essential to approach the conversation thoughtfully and constructively. Research indicates that how parents talk about each other can significantly influence a teen's emotional well-being and their relationship with both parents. It can also impact your teen’s willingness to talk to you in general.
Guidelines for Constructive Conversations
Focus on Neutrality: Speak about the other parent in a neutral or positive light. Avoid derogatory comments or criticisms, which can create tension and lead to feelings of guilt for your teen.
Share Positive Memories: Encourage your teen to remember and talk about positive experiences with the other parent. This helps to reinforce that they can love both parents without feeling torn.
Acknowledge Their Feelings: If your teen expresses frustration or anger about the other parent, validate their feelings without dismissing or agreeing with negative statements. You might say, “You are upset about that.” Demonstrate your approachability by waiting and showing interest should they want to say more, without demanding any follow up comments or asking follow up questions.
Encourage Open Dialogue: Create an environment where your teen feels comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings about both parents. Show through your interest and receptivity that it's safe to talk about their experiences and emotions without fear of judgment or reprisal.
Handling Dating and Introducing New Partners
When it comes to dating or introducing new partners post-divorce, parents should approach the situation with sensitivity and consideration for their teen’s feelings. Research suggests that teens may struggle with feelings of jealousy, insecurity, or abandonment when a parent begins to date again. Therefore, it’s essential for parents to communicate openly with their teens about their new relationships. Before introducing a new partner, take the time to discuss it with your teen and gauge their feelings. Emphasize that their needs and emotions are a priority (this does not have to mean that they dictate who or when you date again). When introducing a new partner, do so gradually and in a low-pressure environment, allowing your teen to adjust at their own pace. Reassuring your teen that they remain a priority in your life can help ease any anxiety they may feel about the changes occurring in the family dynamic.
What to Say and Not Say to Teens
What to Say:
"I love you, and this isn't your fault." This reassures teens that they are not responsible for the divorce.
"It's okay to feel upset. I'm here to listen." Validating their emotions encourages open communication. Show that you mean this by truly listening.
"We will get through this together." Emphasizing teamwork can make teens feel more secure during the transition.
What Not to Say:
"Your (other parent) is the reason for this mess." Avoid placing blame, which can create loyalty conflicts and emotional turmoil. Avoid complaints about the other parent in general (keep in mind that your child identifies with you both, thus internalizes complaints about the other parent).
"You need to choose who to stay with." This can lead to feelings of guilt and pressure, harming their relationship with both parents.
"If you loved me, you'd [insert demand]." This places undue pressure on the teen and can lead to resentment.
Conclusion
Navigating a divorce as a parent is undoubtedly challenging, but understanding what your teen needs can make a significant difference in their emotional well-being. By providing emotional support, maintaining stability, and reducing loyalty pressure and interparental hostility, parents can help their teens adjust more positively to the changes in their family dynamics. As a marriage and family therapist, I encourage parents to prioritize open communication and empathy during this transition. By doing so, you not only support your teen's emotional health but also foster a more cooperative co-parenting relationship, ultimately benefiting the entire family.
If you feel overwhelmed or unsure about how to navigate these challenges, consider reaching out for professional support. Therapy can provide valuable guidance and tools to help you and your teen through this difficult time. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and positive change is possible!
Hi! I’m Julie and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy.
Call today to schedule your free consultation!
925-289-8411
